Fear Factor

#183: Fearing Mediocrity

The first 3 significant grades I got for this term were fantastic. I practically shot out into space upon getting an A+ in our IT group project (1 of the 2 the groups that got that mark), 96% in my Org Structure and Change (highest in class), and 100% in my Finance quiz. But see, that's the problem when you shoot out of the atmosphere. You're bound to crash back into the earth in flames and thick black smoke.

The next round of grades was given back. Mediocre. I hate it. I'm looking at all the things I have to study for finals (which starts tomorrow, by the way. Yeah, and I'm blogging), and instead of just the regular dread you feel when you're facing exams, I'm having a major case of FEAR. Seems like my finals really have to be excellent for me to recover such mediocre marks. Great having the dread exponentially increased.

Thing is, I've been used to having a larger bang for my buck. I put in a little effort and I usually get higher than expected results. Some of my classmates back in high school hated the way I seemed to always say that I didn't study but end up with grades that were higher than theirs. But I really didn't study as much as they did. I was telling the truth. The effort was correctly represented. It's the results that spelled betrayal. And while "Life Doesn't Have to Be So Hard" has become my mantra, I'm starting to sense that the universe is finally asking for payback.

I still hate mediocrity. I'm still in pursuit of excellence. But I guess I have to start sweating now. Can you smell my fear?

Erase, Erase, Erase

#182: Guide to Headaches and Spices




















There's nothing like Jack Johnson to ease a pounding headache. I'm still reeling from my chili noodle lunch which is the spiciest thing I've ever tasted in my life. I practically stumble out of the Vietnamese place. My milk tea eases the burning sensation momentarily to allow it to come back with greater fury 2 seconds after. Great.

I sit on my favorite bench at the Uni bus stop and ponder whether to let a couple of my buses go by so I can finish drowning the spice while reading this Umberto Eco book someone gave me as a going away present; or to jump on the first one and cry at home. I decided to save the Umberto Eco book for a less stressful day, jump on the 2nd bus and get grapes and foccacia bread on the way home. My flatmate will be happy. As for the crying, I'll reserve that for when I finally start reviewing for my finals.

The Eraserheads take the stage from Jack Johnson and encourage me to smile. Lift your head, baby don't be scared... of the things that could go wrong along the way... you'll get by with a smile...

Fever

#181: Coming down with fever

I wasn't feeling well last night. I don't know if it's the IT assignment I had to turn in before 8am today or the fact that at 12 midnight, I still haven't had my dinner (nor taken a shower. Sue me. Academic papers have that effect on me. I would much rather do presentations). In my pajamas, I wandered to our cold kitchen and figured I'd have breakfast at midnight. Not dinner. Breakfast. Like hotdogs and sunny-side-up egg. Drank Extra Joss (that stuff works) then popped a tablet of Paracetamol. But I still came down with fever...World Cup Fever!!!

Eyebrows down please. I know I've never been much of a sportsperson. The only sport I play is squash and it's not the easiest sport to find a partner for. I loved NBA during Michael Jordan's time. I even had a crush on Kukoc... or was it Paxton? Not sure now. I played softball in high school. Had a really cool bat and mitt to show for it too. But I abandoned that when I decided that I was done with the tomboy act. I discovered the use of a hairbrush.

But soccer... see, it's something that had always been in the background. The cutest guys in San Agustin would always be from the soccer team. They're the ones sent to Europe to bring home this cup they would talk about for weeks and weeks in the school's corridors. Come to think of it, all the guys I really liked had soccer in their blood. From my 1st year crush who probably didn't know my name after 2 quarters of sitting beside me in class and borrowing my notes... to the two dudes in third year who would, after walking through hallways with their muddied (and bloodied) spikes, engage in a showdown of gifts and letters and stuff to get the attention of the tomboy-turned-tomgirl... to this person a couple of years ago who broke his wrist being the goalie... to this person last year who came to my office showing me the gashes on his elbows and knees from a soccer game the previous night... to the man I love now who lives and breathes soccer.

It was bound to happen. It was just a matter of time. Yeah, the right time had to come. Or the right guy.

Cheers to Cahill!

Monster Me

#180: Loving Internet Radio

After 6 months here, it just hit me the other day: I can actually listen to Philippine radio via the internet! Stupid me. How could I have overlooked that little detail when these are the things they keep on drumming in your head as you're in your car stuck in Manila traffic? It's like finding an easter egg. It's 8:27am here now. I'm in the library supposedly studying but the stuff I'm getting from Monster Radio is making me grin like an idiot. Just like the way I used to grin in my car as I'm stuck in Manila traffic.

I once more heard Amber's "Manila." I like that a lot not only because it describes my mental state now but also because of the fresh R&B feel they've applied to such a classic. I'll always be an R&B girl. So, as I'm debating whether or not to unplug this so I can focus on studying, this song by Eric Benet plays. "The Last Time." I love the piano and the bass (or cello?) in the background. Makes you think of dancing in a soft flowing gown under the moonlight. The lyrics are also quite nice. Reminds me of lilies. I love lilies. So much for focusing on Operations Management. Then they run the Top 10 answers to the topic of the day: Confessions of a Broken Heart. One girl confesses to breaking up with a guy because he ate the wing part of the chicken they were sharing. Wha-? Yeah, her rationale was that he knew that that's the only part of chicken she likes yet he still took it. She felt that she could not marry a man who's wired that way. Hmm. I like the thigh part (especially KFC or Jollibee Chickenjoy) but I wouldn't go that far. Reminds me of the story of this old couple. The woman, after like 50 years of marriage, decides that she's fed up with her husband always giving her the end parts of the bread. (I also don't like those end parts.) She confronts her husband and finds out that he had been giving those to her all these years because those were HIS favorite parts. Ah. (Either the guy is such a sweetie or he's just extremely smart in finding a way out. But that's just the cynic in me speaking. Cynic, be gone.)

Now back to my radio.

Eyes Toward Home

#178: Tie a Yellow Ribbon?

The countdown begins. (Have I started a previous blog entry with this? I'm losing my creativity.) In my powdered-power-drink-drugged mind, I've skipped my finals and flown straight to the Philippines. I have to remind myself time and time again that there are still three weeks, 4 major papers and 4 final exams between me and my home. Everytime the cold autumn wind makes me shiver, I drift off to the land of sticky air and suffocating humidity. Ah, I so look forward to going to the Philippines.

Of course at around that time of the year, there will be floods here and there because of poor infrastructure planning, building and contract-monitoring. There will be monstrous traffic jams because of the absence of discipline, absence of implementers, absence of additional roads. The highway will be a sea of red lights. But I will be driving a car - once more in control of where I'm going.

I hope my friends are still eager to see me as I am eager to see them. I suppose I've accepted the fact that to some degree (maybe to a large degree), some of them have started filling the space I used to occupy with other friends and other things to do. I am no longer Cathy's Friday date. Elna's partner in silliness. Justine's tea-mate. Rachel's chika-mate. Jenny's lunch and career talk buddy. Teejae's evening-in-the-office-drop-in-yak-partner. Lee's evil stepsister. Manolito's duchess of kikaydom.... and so on...

I guess all I'm really after in my two-week visit is a sliver of their time, a serving of the past, a slice what we still have... a moment for them - for me to remember what it's like to be back home.

Makes me remember this old song.
"Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree... it's been 6 long months... do you still want me?.."